Roller mama...

is what my son now calls me. I finally fulfilled a life long dream and bought a damn pair of roller skates. It has always been a secret fantasy of mine to join roller derby. We have a league in my town, and they are always looking for members. Even when I was tiny ( I consider myself at 140 tiny) I was too scared to try out. I played field hockey in high school and loved it. But ever since roller derby 're-emerged' I have wanted to do it. I think I'd be good at it, and plus it looks like so much fun! So I took the first step and bought some skates. At least I am getting some really good cardio. You should see me on them - someone my size busting their ass every 5 seconds must be a sight. But I always get up and keep going. I hope to skate home from work when it cools off. It's a little under 2 miles away from my house, so I think that would be a fun way to exercise.

Oh Yeah....

Weight: 340
Pounds Lost: 25

Good start, eh?

I finally talked to my mother about losing weight. She and I have .... different opinions. She is a nurse and was overweight for about 15 years. When I was younger she just gained 80 pounds out of nowhere - and her doctors couldn't figure it out. She just kind of gave up after that. She ate very badly and set a poor example of emotional eating for my brother and I. When I was 19 she had gastric bypass done because her blood sugar levels where getting near the type 2 range. She went from 230 to 130. I am happy for her, but I don't agree with the way she's done it. She still doesn't eat very healthy - she uses protein powders and eats tiny amounts of high calorie foods instead of actually eating nutrient dense foods. She rarely exercises, but instead keeps her calories under 1000 a day so she won't 'get fat again'. She has gained back 10 pounds of the weight she lost so far, but I've heard it's normal to go really low and then come back up a bit after surgery. She really tries to push gastric bypass on me. I have absolutely nothing against anyone who has had it done - but I don't think it's for me. I'm 23 years old, I still can turn my life around. I'm not immobile or even out of breath from tying my shoes. I can bench press 60 pounds, and squat 100. I think I'm capable of exercising.  I don't feel like I'm 'morbidly obese' just too damn fat. I feel, in my 'heart of hearts', that if I don't do everything within my power to lose weight on my own that gastric bypass would be a cop out for me. I understand it to be a major - life altering surgery for people who have no other options. I feel like I do have options. So anyways, she and I don't talk about weightloss. Now we do, and I think she understands where I'm coming from. She's even agreed to have a session with Peg, my nutritionist. I'm really happy - I feel like I have an ally instead of a naysayer now.

So how do you feel about gastric bypass? Have you been told to get it - or have you gotten it? I would love to hear thoughts or experiences.

Bazinga!

Weight : 350
Pounds Lost: 15

So I finally got on the scale again (the first time was hard enough!) and I've lost 15 pounds! I am sure that it is the diet change. I feel better - less sluggish throughout the day. I also have had something wonderful happen! My husband is a disabled veteran and he has to have surgery for the 3rd time in September. So I have decided to go back to work, and I got a dream job! You are looking at the newest General Manager of a Goodwill Store! I feel kinda crazy with all these exclamation points - but I am super happy! I am up and moving all day, I am around antiques and other assorted treasures, my husband finally gets a friggin' break, and my son started preschool. Wow, when you start changing one part of your life it seems like the others follow suit.

So I have started talking things out with one of my bestest friends ever, Liz. She is a therapist and has been trying to get me to open up for well, as long as we've known each other. We've talked about how sick I was through my pregnancy. We've talked about how when I gained weight, people changed. Suddenly my friends treated me differently. My family treated me differently. Everyone treated me differently. We've talked about how I stopped caring and kept eating. I stayed in when my husband left. He was gone for 6 months, and I was alone. There was no one to care what I looked liked - just me and a newborn baby who slept all day. I pushed it all down - the not knowing, the pain and the fear when he came back injured. The anger when he needed surgery for the second and then the third time. The humiliation when I went to the doctor and they told me to just look into gastric bypass, as if I was too far gone to help. The unbearable pain of being diagnosed with hidradenitis suppurativa, and then having to hide from the doctor because I wasn't losing weight. I felt like a failure - but even worse, like I was doomed to be fat. She asked me if I was tired. Of course being silly me - I said "but I get enough sleep". She laughed and asked me if I was tired of living this way. In fear of myself, and of facing what needed to be faced. And she's right. I have been trapped like this for 5 years - which in terms of a lifetime isn't long - but those are 5 years of MY life. 5 years that I have wasted being ashamed, and afraid. I refuse to act like some diseased person. Yes I am ill, no it's not terminal. I have to pick myself up and get over this. I haven't even been to the doctor in over a year. It's like I had given up on myself, on living, on being able to be happy again. No more.

On the Bright Side...

Things are looking up! I was able to stick to the plan Peg and I worked out perfectly. I was surprised that I wasn't even hungry! At first I was worried about how my husband and son would deal with all of the vegetables in the house - but they seem to have taken to them. We are slowly making over our family meals to be more towards the "Mediterranean Diet" style of cooking. So I cook for myself once a week now and freeze all of my meals. Then I can just take them out when the time comes and heat them up. I make sure to have my meal at the table at the same time as the guys - so really I don't feel deprived. The support from my husband is amazing, he keeps saying he can already tell I've lost weight.

So I finally went ahead and weighed myself. I was seriously putting it off. I kept thinking of reasons not to get on the scale, but in the end none of them were good enough. I had to know. So I got on my brand new scale that reads up to 500 lbs. Then I got off. Then I cried. Then I screamed. Then I think I threw something at it. I hated that damn thing. Then I started thinking it was broken. So I got out the manual to make sure everything was working properly. It said that you had to hold still to get a correct reading. Well, I must have moved hard or something to make it have that number. So I got on the scale again and held perfectly still. The same number came up in green. 365. I almost couldn't breathe after I read that. I sat on the toilet and stared at it for a long time. I didn't know whether I was going to laugh, cry, or go crazy. So I just sat there. Then, Ladies and Gentlemen, came my epiphany moment. Exatly 5 years ago I weighed 165. I had gained 200 pounds in 5 years! I was carrying around a high school linebacker! What the hell is wrong with me ?!?!@$# At that moment I knew if I didn't do something now I could end up like those people you see on TLC. The ones who are stuck in their houses and can't take care of themselves. I refuse to be a couch lady. I can't - I will not let that happen to me! So I am now hereby officially taking control of my life! I will not act like this is ok anymore. I refuse to give in to all the same sad excuses and tired old reasons. I am going to do this.

So...

I went to my good friend who for bashful's sake we'll call Peg. Peg is a very good friend of mine who also happens to be a nutritionist. We both sat down together and went over some of the things I had eaten, the times I had eaten, and the reasons why I had eaten. She told me that the only way I would get through this is to confront the physical and emotional problems I have in my way.

So I'm just gonna lay it all out on the table - buffet style- and go from there. As of right now I have poly-cystic-ovarian syndrome, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and asthma. The asthma isn't curable, but it sure as hell would be less if I was less. So all the other physical health problems are weight related.



But the emotional side? That can of worms is too deep to open just yet. I think maybe I should go to a psychiatrist, but really... I just don't know.