Bazinga!

Weight : 350
Pounds Lost: 15

So I finally got on the scale again (the first time was hard enough!) and I've lost 15 pounds! I am sure that it is the diet change. I feel better - less sluggish throughout the day. I also have had something wonderful happen! My husband is a disabled veteran and he has to have surgery for the 3rd time in September. So I have decided to go back to work, and I got a dream job! You are looking at the newest General Manager of a Goodwill Store! I feel kinda crazy with all these exclamation points - but I am super happy! I am up and moving all day, I am around antiques and other assorted treasures, my husband finally gets a friggin' break, and my son started preschool. Wow, when you start changing one part of your life it seems like the others follow suit.

So I have started talking things out with one of my bestest friends ever, Liz. She is a therapist and has been trying to get me to open up for well, as long as we've known each other. We've talked about how sick I was through my pregnancy. We've talked about how when I gained weight, people changed. Suddenly my friends treated me differently. My family treated me differently. Everyone treated me differently. We've talked about how I stopped caring and kept eating. I stayed in when my husband left. He was gone for 6 months, and I was alone. There was no one to care what I looked liked - just me and a newborn baby who slept all day. I pushed it all down - the not knowing, the pain and the fear when he came back injured. The anger when he needed surgery for the second and then the third time. The humiliation when I went to the doctor and they told me to just look into gastric bypass, as if I was too far gone to help. The unbearable pain of being diagnosed with hidradenitis suppurativa, and then having to hide from the doctor because I wasn't losing weight. I felt like a failure - but even worse, like I was doomed to be fat. She asked me if I was tired. Of course being silly me - I said "but I get enough sleep". She laughed and asked me if I was tired of living this way. In fear of myself, and of facing what needed to be faced. And she's right. I have been trapped like this for 5 years - which in terms of a lifetime isn't long - but those are 5 years of MY life. 5 years that I have wasted being ashamed, and afraid. I refuse to act like some diseased person. Yes I am ill, no it's not terminal. I have to pick myself up and get over this. I haven't even been to the doctor in over a year. It's like I had given up on myself, on living, on being able to be happy again. No more.